Sunday, January 17, 2010

DIARY OF A SNOW SHOVELER

Hello everyone. A friend of mine emailed this to me. I agree with her that this is too funny NOT to share. Hope you'd get a kick out of it. I do hope though that this is all fiction. You'll know why at the end.

Whoever wrote this piece, please speak up so that we can give you proper credit.

DIARY OF A SNOW SHOVELER:

December 8 - 6:00 PM It started to snow. The first snow of the
season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by
the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It
looked like a Grandma Moses print. So romantic, we felt like
newlyweds again. I love snow!

December 9 - We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow
covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can
there be a more lovely place in the whole world? Moving here was the
best idea I've ever had! Shoveled for the first time in years and
felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks.
This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks
and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect
life!

December 12 - The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a
disappointment! My neighbor tells me not to worry- we'll definitely
have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob
says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never
want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a
nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbor.

December 14 - Snow, lovely snow! 8 inches last night. The
temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so.
The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the
driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back
this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would
have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in
shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.

December 15 - 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4
Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels.
Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the
electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska,
after all.

December 16 - Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in
the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for
an hour, which I think was very cruel.

December 17 - Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go
anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the
blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and
try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but
won't admit it to her. God! I hate it when she's right. I can't
believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.

December 20 - Electricity's back on, but had another 14 inches of
the damn stuff last night. More shoveling! Took all day. The damn
snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but
they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying.
Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow
blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I
think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have
it done and bill me. I think he's lying.

December 22 - Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more
inches of the white shit fell today, and it's so cold, it probably
won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to
go out to shovel and then I had to piss. By the time I got
undressed, pissed and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel.
Tried to hire Bob-who has a plow on his truck-for the rest of the
winter, but he says he's too busy. I think the asshole is lying.

December 23 - Only 2 inches of snow today. And it warmed up to 0.
The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning.
What is she, nuts?!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago?
She says she did but I think she's lying.

December 24 - 6 inches - Snow packed so hard by snowplow, l broke
the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the
son of a bitch who drives that snow plow, I'll drag him through the
snow by his balls and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I
know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish
shoveling, and then he comes down the street...at a 100 miles an
hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife
wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our
presents...but I was too busy watching for the damn snowplow.

December 25 - Merry f---ing Christmas! 20 more inches of the damn
slop tonight - snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil.
God, I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a
donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I
have a bad attitude. I think she's a fricking idiot. If I have to
watch "It's A Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to stuff her
into the microwave.

December 26 - Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It
was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.
December 27 - Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze;
plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him, he only charged me
$1,400 to replace all my pipes.

December 28 - Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. The BITCH is
driving me crazy!!!

December 29 - 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or
it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb
does he think I am?

December 30 - Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver, and now
he is suing me for a million dollars, not only for the beating I
gave him, but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his
ass. The wife went home to her mother. Nine more inches predicted.

December 31 - I set fire to what's left of the house. No more
shoveling.

January 8 - Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they
keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed ???